Support and signposting

Asking somebody for help with this is not a last resort and it is not a sign that you are doing it badly. It is one of the few things that reliably makes it lighter, and the people below do it properly, with training and support behind them. Every one of them would rather hear from you early than late. I left it far too long myself.

What follows is the short list I would give a friend. There is a lot more out there, and none of it is ranked, because the right one is whichever one you will actually ring.

Bereavement support, general

Cruse Bereavement Support, 0808 808 1677, free to call. They have more than 80 local branches across England, Wales and Northern Ireland, so alongside the helpline there is a fair chance of somebody near enough to see in person. The helpline is open Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday from 9.30am to 5pm, and Tuesday from 1pm to 8pm. It is closed at weekends, which is worth knowing before Saturday night rather than during it.

At a Loss is a directory rather than a helpline, covering the whole UK. You tell it where you are, who died and roughly what happened, and it shows you the bereavement services that fit. It is the quickest way I know of finding somebody who will sit in a room with you.

After a suicide

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, 0300 111 5065. Run by people who have been bereaved by suicide themselves, with a helpline and groups around the country. Talking to somebody who has stood where you are standing is a different thing entirely, and a lot of people find it is the only thing that helps at first.

The Support After Suicide Partnership publishes Help is at Hand, which is free to download and is the best thing I have read on the days and weeks afterwards. It is written for exactly this, by people who know, and it does not flinch.

Children and young people

Child Bereavement UK, 0800 02 888 40, Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm, closed on bank holidays. They support children and young people up to 25 who are grieving somebody or facing the death of somebody important, and the parents and carers of babies and children who have died or are dying. They are very good with the question most parents are frightened of, which is what to say to a child and how much of it. If a phone call is too much, they take text and WhatsApp messages on 07418 341 800 in the same hours. They also train professionals, in schools, health and social care, the emergency services and ordinary workplaces, which is worth knowing if you are the one at work trying to work out what to do.

When a coroner is involved

Coroners’ Courts Support Service, 0300 111 2141, Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm. A free service that almost nobody has heard of, staffed by volunteers who will come to an inquest with you and explain what is about to happen in the room. They are closed at weekends and on bank holidays, but you can leave a message and they will ring you back the next working day. If you are facing an inquest, ring them. It is the single most useful phone call available to you.

If you are not sure which one

Pick any of them. They are all used to somebody ringing up and saying they do not really know where to start or whether they should be bothering anyone, and not one of them is going to tell you that you have come to the wrong place. Starting badly is still starting.

And if anything on this page has changed or gone out of date, I would rather know, so please tell me and I will put it right.